Long Year Ahead

Around the same time last year, I made a decision that has drastically changed my life, financially, emotionally, socially, mentally, and physically. I decided to help my mother send my sister to training school so she could learn the ins and outs of working for a cruise ship so that hopefully, she could work in a cruise ship. In order to for me to be able to extend financial hep, I have to put my ATM under lock and key, a term we used when we avail of a salary loan and we have to surrender our payroll ATM to the loan shark as collateral. It was still okay back then. The TFK was doing okay and let's just say I had a little help with my finances despite the fact that I don't receive my salary for working as a government employee. 

And then by the middle of the year, tragedy struck. The TFK was disbanded and along with it is my financial assistance, so to speak. I was still without ATM and for some reason, my sister has not landed a job yet with any cruise ship company. Moreover, there are more additional payments for this and that and it drove me crazy. But since I am a big doormat, I pushed myself to the edge and availed of another loan which eventually placed me in a very terrible financial situation. 

I felt like I was going mental. Every time I received a call from my mom or my sister regarding money matters, I go nuts. I yell, scream, and say all the negative things that I could say. I was angry and mad at myself, at the situation, and at them for pushing me into such a helpless, frustrating, and tiring position. It doesn't help that there are instances when I felt like they do not give a damn. There was once time that I want to strangle my sister just because she seemed too preoccupied with the problems in her love life instead of help us solve the family problems, which are, sad to say, more on the financial side.

With no salary from my full time government employment and no TFK to help me, I did what any broke person would do - find a part time job. I found a writing gig in the Internet thru Odesk. The pay is quite low but if I write a lot, I earned just enough. And then there came a time that even my Odesk salary is not enough. Blame the perpetually financial problems that I need to deal with every now and then. So I got myself another job, being part-time college instructor to students who drives me nuttier, if there is such word. 

By the time 2012 came, I'm literally broke and tired. I was hoping maybe this year my sister could really work and help with the family finances. But then again, even if she does, I don't want to hope that she would help me get out of this mess. While the thought of getting help is comforting, I don't wanna feel disappointed and irrationally mad if they did not. So I brainwashed myself into thinking that I have to make this through by myself.

Just thinking of the countless sleepless nights I had to endure, literally saving every penny, working extra harder to achieve my goals this year (there's is nothing wrong with this, though), feeling guilty for indulging my little pleasures in life. It's going to be a very long year.